The biggest problem of all - expectations.
It really isn't all about wants and needs, its about expectations. You can want something badly, or need something really badly. But wait till you experience expecting something and not getting it.
Boy, does it hurt. Especially if the wait has been long.
Time to fix this feeble self. Weak, really weak. Unbecoming of what is expected. How ironic.
It's way beyond the halfway-mark, and in fact I'm exactly a month away form my first paper. Suprisingly, my academic workload has been the least of my worries so far. Club affairs and other personal stuff have intead been taking up most of my time and energy. Not sure if it's exactly a good thing or not, but I'm hoping for the best. At least I know that I now have an entire month to do what I need for my studies, and hopefully set everything else aside.
Sometimes I just feel as if I'm being misunderstood, yet I find it almost impossible to fully express myself. I could just go 'not that it really matters' or 'heck, to hell with it', but just wouldn't let me off totally. That uneasy tingling just comes again and again. Sigh.
Okay, off to lessons now. Time to look normal again.
Commitment isn't something that you merely talk about or profess - it isn't just a declaration. It is not anything like a promise; it isn't a one-off verbal agreement. It is on-going and comes from within, something you decide upon from the onset of placing yourself in that very position.
Commitment doesn't only require you to make an effort to find time for whatever you are commitment to, it requires you to actively control your emotions, to say and do what is right. It probably even means that even if a promise cannot be fulfilled, there is no reason for to make a fuss out of it. Under certain circumstances, it might call for controlled reactions, or even a suppression of emotions.
When you are committed, you do not claim credit for any efforts made. Commitment requires that you do everything in the best interests of whatever you are committed to, even if it causes discomfort or inconvenience, without trying to claim credit or seek compensation. There is going to be a lot of compromise in such situations, probably more than you might be used to.
Once in awhile, you get tempted to compare how much you have given and how much has been given. When you start to feel uncomfortable when the scales seem to be tipping one way, you (over)compensate by throwing more weight on opposite side, hoping to balance things out. And if that still does not help, you throw 'commitment' into the picture, justifying that imbalance. Remember, do not claim credit or ask for anything in return for your actions.
Sometimes you question yourself, asking if that is what you want, and you sit down, recalling your original decision to make that commitment, to give without question. And you start to feel bad when you want to take, no matter how small a pinch you want. Yet tat voice within you screams at you to reach out and grab a handful of what you can get. You compromise by sticking a hand out, waiting, not grabbing. And when you get nothing, you sit quietly and wait. Why, because it is a commitment. You do not expect anything. You do not take anything unless it is given. You given whenever you can, whatever you can. And what can you give or how much can you give, that depends on your commitment.
Commitment. Could it be nothing more than a big lie told to justify everything that happens. To justify inbalance, to set aside differences. Doesn't seem to make people very much happier when this happens.
Every once in awhile, you come across someone remarkable. Someone so strong, so determined. And now I look at myself, asking myself how is it that these people can move on in life after what they have been through. And I look at myself again in the mirror, asking myself how weak can I get, stuck at the least devastating or disruptive things in life.
It's remarkable, I tell you, how these people really inspire others. You don't have to be the best at what you do all the time, because thre are always other things that people can look up to and admire you for.
On a slightly different note, here's one of those songs that really irked me if I heard it over the radio. BUT. This has got to be one of my favourites. If only Britney's songs were always done in such a tasteful and splendid manner.
One of those posts which I get myself to do once in awhile, to think back on what has been happening and how things might have been done differently.
Its already the end of week 5 of school and pretty much means I'm just about to cross the halfway mark. Doesn't really seem like a long time ago since I got back here. In fact much of the memories from the earlier weeks are still very much stuck in my head.
It has been a rather difficult start this semester, with a heckload of stuff zipping through my mind, some staying behind and causing quite a mess. Guess it just shows me how much I can fail to understand myself sometimes. (Acutally, the thought that I lie to and cheat myself when attempting to reflect on my actions did cross my mind and it really is quite a scary thought.) Wonder how you ever stayed true to yourself. Maybe I have been creating one too many excuses for things that are happening when it's just merely because I was unwilling to voice out what I wanted. Never really had to do that before but now that it did, I realise it has done me way more harm than good.
Anyways, I'm pretty thankful that it's just about over. Just about. I have to admit that there still exists this risk that I can lose control of my emotions and fal back into that pit. Hopefully nothing pushes me back in there. Finally seeing the light of day and doing what I'm supposed to do.
So I guess the last of the five weeks was pretty much the most normal of the lot. Busy with clubs and events, and probbly abit of school - catching up on the first four weeks. Mid-sems are coming in about a week plus, and that means I just got to get down to being a more effcient worker. Got to at least get through some of the revision papers provided.
3 more months and I'll be back in Singapore already. Not really excited about the trip back, really. Maybe I've been numbed having travel back and forth so many times, but I guess there's a bigger reason behind that. I just want to get to the spring break, and I don't want anything more. I just want the freedom I desire. The time alone, the life away from these.
Just don't step back in there, Adrian.
This is what music should be like, reconstructed for the entertainment of everyone else. Then again, it probably takes one who understands it all to fully appeciate the fun in it all.
