Dry.

You probably don't read this anymore.

Things are different now, yet I sometimes have to act like it's all okay. Perhaps it is - at least I've been trying to convince myself - and everything is just another manifestation of the selfishness and insecurity from within.

But this silence kills me. Not knowing how things will be like, throwing myself to the currents of 'fate', not having a grasp of anything at all. And the reaction I am told to take on, I greatly fear, is a resignation to fate that you often subscribe to - perhaps nurtured (ironically) by the circumstances over the entire existence of this unspoken bond. Perhaps I molded it as such - a painful shot in my toe, that I sometimes wish where my head.

It still exists, like the earth I stand on, but now just a surface. The value in it gone, eroded by the winds of time, exposing dryness, barrenness, and unfortunately lifelessness - even a strong jolt can do nothing.

Yet at the end, I stand here on this land, with nowhere to turn to, confident that there is no greener anywhere, if any green at all. This was perhaps my last ever chance - maybe fate, again, has brought me here. If it were a test, let it end. If it were a prank, end it.

I know I can find no better, and only because of that I fear losing.

Back in for awhile.

So, another semester over, spent my first full winter here.

Nothing much to say, but everything's fine. Better than before, no complaints.

New project in my mind that may lead to a whole new direction in my life. See how things go.

Burn.

Time to get it burning.

The vanishing thoughts.

There is so much on my mind that I cannot really pin-point. It is almost as if the interactions between the thoughts exist somehow, but if I ever attempted to disaggregate those thoughts, or to tried to pull out one thing on my mind to write about it, the thoughts simply vanish, leaving a dull spot in my head. I kid you not, and I am dead sure I am not under the influence of any narcotics or alcohol.

Weird.

I just need to learn to trash these thoughts and get on with work. I will probably apologize to myself for giving in to meritocracy and the generally-accepted societal needs, at the expense of my inner well-being and mental-wellness.

Reflection comes at a hefty price when you have so much to do.

Maybe once this week is over I can sit down and answer my own questions. Chances are, no. Not in the semester, not in the next semester, not in the next year, not in my working life.

Let's just put that on hold for now.

Reminiscence

There exists a natural tendency for me to return here once every month or so to leave a note here. Honestly, I do not seem to actively recall that I have a neglected blog, but it comes naturally when I need an outlet to vent my frustrations.

Anyways, on with the post.

I used to enjoy walking up to windows on rainy days, staring out of my apartment, watching the rain fall, watching the world go by. Somehow it brought about this really warm, tingling sensation that I can, even up till now, vividly remember. It would seem like a silent appreciation for freedom, which is arguably very unexpected of a young boy aged 10.

I miss that feeling, that warm, tingling sensation. And even now, as I stare out of my window, I see nothing in front of me, only flashbacks of the younger me standing by the window, hugging my bolster, telling myself how happy I was. Happiness is now something I fight for to shove down my throat. It has really been a really long time since I could smile quietly to myself and say a word of thanks for everything. It doesn't seem to come naturally anymore.

All I have now are memories of happiness.

Year 3

There is someone singing outside. Sounds more like a dirge. What a morbid welcome back to Melbourne.

So here it is, third year. Final or possibly penultimate year. I'm really hoping that I can stay another year here to further my education, but it will depend on my determination, brains, and also that of the other thousand-odd people out there, some of whom are definitely smarter, and others way hungrier, and some both.

Pretty daunting, but I guess it's all part of my perception of things. I guess as long as I am able to achieve my own work-play balance (ironic how this balance ought to be really unequal), and able to pace myself and keep myself going, everything will be fine. Now I kind of know how it feels like to be threading water with your nose barely above the surface. Pretty tiring but you still got to keep at it.

I'll keep optimistic. I'll stay focused. But I won't sacrifice my life totally.

Play, here I come.

A quick stop for a sip

Sure seems like the obligatory post.

Sure seems like I have not been spending time alone to sit and reflect, or even ponder about anything. All the fleeting thoughts that surface in my mind have merely dissolved into that huge mental mess, with nothing to remind myself of what happened.

Am I being too reliant on technology?

The larger picture - good or bad?

This place is dead. Just like the mind that used to leave it's prints in this little corner.

It's ironic how being part of (working) life naturally excludes one from taking part in what one might see as the essence of living. This definitely isn't a life I'd want to lead, but in a world of efficiency and pragmatism, do such views even matter? Is it more important to add value to the rest of society by being a cog in machinery of the "living" world, even if it results the dismissal of cries from within, urging one to stop and reflect?

It seems like the "living" world comprises of mindless individuals, just like how individuals comprise of mindless cells, each struggling in a system, each with a given role with no room for negotiations, all in an attempt to stay alive for just another day. To be fed, to be homed, to be part of a 'larger good' that one alone can never envision or value.

The only difference between the individual and a cell? A brain.

Then again, cells that try to be funny end up labelled as cancerous, and they get removed from the system.

Multitracks

It's probably the lastest craze, this multitrack recording thing. It's definitely not new, but I guess Sam Tsui's video (that really, spreaded faster than bacteria on a slab of rump on a hot summer day) really got everyone inspired to get something up on any video-hosting site they can find.

You know what, I just lost my entire train of thoughts and inspiration to write because Corporate Law just came to mind. Gah. I hate using that subject as an excuse for everything, but I swear, it really is a pain.

I'll be back when I feel like it again. Brr. Now, back to law and more multitracks to entertain me and keep me from falling asleep.

Expectations.

The biggest problem of all - expectations.

It really isn't all about wants and needs, its about expectations. You can want something badly, or need something really badly. But wait till you experience expecting something and not getting it.

Boy, does it hurt. Especially if the wait has been long.

Time to fix this feeble self. Weak, really weak. Unbecoming of what is expected. How ironic.