Fleeting.

I remember once telling a friend about a magical moment - a split second where I felt totally at peace with everything around me; a grin naturally flashed across my face. It was a quiet smile, and I don't think it lasted for more than a second during that car ride home.

Fleeting moment, but even though it has easily been 3 years since I felt it, every bit of it still remains fresh in my memory. Could that be real, genuine happiness? That very moment when the world seemingly stopped, and all that mattered to me was that I was in it. Or maybe there was no reason at all, and I just felt happy because I was happy.

Weird.

Something similar struck seconds ago. Maybe for that tiny moment in my life I was once again at peace. The smile was not as wide, and the warmth definitely less than comparable to what I experienced. Nonetheless, I experienced relief and (without any intention of sounding dramatic) some sort of emancipation - from what, I really don't know. And I guess I don't need to know.

I am glad to announce that I am happy. I am happy not because I need a reason to be happy, but merely because there is no reason to be unhappy. Just happy, no buts.

You will.

You know you want to prove your worth, so do it. Stop being a ****ing wuss and stop moping and hanging on to everything like a whiny little boy. Get on with life, deal with your challenges, and solve your issues systematically. You used to be the most rational person you thought you knew, never giving in to emotions. It's time you picked yourself up from this mess and do what is right. You know you need to do well this semester. There is still a chance, but don't beg, don't hope, don't wish, don't wait. Work for it, and in the mean time do everything you need to do so you can get to a position where you can start to fix things. You know things will be different come next year, so you better be here next year to witness this change. Take it in your stride and work towards your goals.

Quit whining and get moving.

Revisit.

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

------------------------------------------------

I probably have not been the most selfless person. But I guess there are times when you make decisions not for your own good, but for others. You fear that your intentions are misread, yet fighting to prove your intentions only makes it less of a sacrifice, adding to the burden to the other person.

I wish this week never happened.

Died.

Today, a part of me died.

I wished.

A wish, for something that I never believed in before. Came true, or so it seemed. Fleeting, flickering, yet sometimes so real. In flesh, something so intangible, something we all desire. But the pains, the tears. Worthwhile? Maybe, for the laughter, the smiles, the memories. Yet, the threat of it all - memories - turning bad, equally real, equally potent.

I don't regret, and I never will. So long as I know that deep inside, this crossing, this encounter, was real.

And I felt real.

Dry.

You probably don't read this anymore.

Things are different now, yet I sometimes have to act like it's all okay. Perhaps it is - at least I've been trying to convince myself - and everything is just another manifestation of the selfishness and insecurity from within.

But this silence kills me. Not knowing how things will be like, throwing myself to the currents of 'fate', not having a grasp of anything at all. And the reaction I am told to take on, I greatly fear, is a resignation to fate that you often subscribe to - perhaps nurtured (ironically) by the circumstances over the entire existence of this unspoken bond. Perhaps I molded it as such - a painful shot in my toe, that I sometimes wish where my head.

It still exists, like the earth I stand on, but now just a surface. The value in it gone, eroded by the winds of time, exposing dryness, barrenness, and unfortunately lifelessness - even a strong jolt can do nothing.

Yet at the end, I stand here on this land, with nowhere to turn to, confident that there is no greener anywhere, if any green at all. This was perhaps my last ever chance - maybe fate, again, has brought me here. If it were a test, let it end. If it were a prank, end it.

I know I can find no better, and only because of that I fear losing.