Thursday, April 15, 2010

The vanishing thoughts.

There is so much on my mind that I cannot really pin-point. It is almost as if the interactions between the thoughts exist somehow, but if I ever attempted to disaggregate those thoughts, or to tried to pull out one thing on my mind to write about it, the thoughts simply vanish, leaving a dull spot in my head. I kid you not, and I am dead sure I am not under the influence of any narcotics or alcohol.


I just need to learn to trash these thoughts and get on with work. I will probably apologize to myself for giving in to meritocracy and the generally-accepted societal needs, at the expense of my inner well-being and mental-wellness.

Reflection comes at a hefty price when you have so much to do.

Maybe once this week is over I can sit down and answer my own questions. Chances are, no. Not in the semester, not in the next semester, not in the next year, not in my working life.

Let's just put that on hold for now.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


There exists a natural tendency for me to return here once every month or so to leave a note here. Honestly, I do not seem to actively recall that I have a neglected blog, but it comes naturally when I need an outlet to vent my frustrations.

Anyways, on with the post.

I used to enjoy walking up to windows on rainy days, staring out of my apartment, watching the rain fall, watching the world go by. Somehow it brought about this really warm, tingling sensation that I can, even up till now, vividly remember. It would seem like a silent appreciation for freedom, which is arguably very unexpected of a young boy aged 10.

I miss that feeling, that warm, tingling sensation. And even now, as I stare out of my window, I see nothing in front of me, only flashbacks of the younger me standing by the window, hugging my bolster, telling myself how happy I was. Happiness is now something I fight for to shove down my throat. It has really been a really long time since I could smile quietly to myself and say a word of thanks for everything. It doesn't seem to come naturally anymore.

All I have now are memories of happiness.