Up again.

Falling. Forced to gaze down; flashbacks of before. Pain, regret. And hurt when the self lands. The crash, it shatters everything with only a thud - nary a sound heard above. The booming only on the inside, resonating in the mind.

And once awoken, the gaze shifts upwards, comfort brought knowing there is no lowerr than rock bottom. Perhaps a plausible eternal condemnation, but no pain seems worse. Up, a light. Equally bright even from below - in fact brighter. Ironic, that optimism stems from existing in the physical manifestation of pessimism.

Nothing matters now, except for the realization and acceptance. Reality check. One that allows for optimism. An upward gaze to what was, not a backward glance fueled and filled by regret and hurt.

From where I stand, I stand. Again.

Apologies.

In the slightest hopes that you may one day pass by this place, I offer my sincerest apology. Apologies, rather, for a list: impatience, immaturity, imperfection.

I no longer have the courage to bring this up because I honestly don't know when's the right time. And ultimately, even if I became enlightened, wiser, smarter, less imperfect, it does not mean anything unless everything else falls in place. Perhaps the chances of it working out naturally is slim, but anything I want to do now has to be thought through umpteen times. I admit it's tiring, but I am doing it for a reason.

Maybe not a remotely viable reason, but just a hope. But still something, nonetheless.

Waiting out.

If you asked me how I feel, I really don't know how to answer you. Let's put it this way: I'm not sad, but I'm not contented, and because of that I am not happy. Well, it's a subtle difference to it although one might claim the end result's the same.

I'm not giving up yet I'm not sure what to do. Perhaps leaving things as they are will do more good than bad - after all what else can be worse. I guess patience and perseverance will pay off eventually, but pressure just throws everything off course.

It takes time, a lot of time. Whether or not things will work out is still a big unknown, but let's just say I'm willing to try and do what I can so that I can tell myself I did what I could. If it took me that long to find it, I should wait that long for it.

Worthwhile? Yes, every minute, every tear.