Year 3

There is someone singing outside. Sounds more like a dirge. What a morbid welcome back to Melbourne.

So here it is, third year. Final or possibly penultimate year. I'm really hoping that I can stay another year here to further my education, but it will depend on my determination, brains, and also that of the other thousand-odd people out there, some of whom are definitely smarter, and others way hungrier, and some both.

Pretty daunting, but I guess it's all part of my perception of things. I guess as long as I am able to achieve my own work-play balance (ironic how this balance ought to be really unequal), and able to pace myself and keep myself going, everything will be fine. Now I kind of know how it feels like to be threading water with your nose barely above the surface. Pretty tiring but you still got to keep at it.

I'll keep optimistic. I'll stay focused. But I won't sacrifice my life totally.

Play, here I come.

A quick stop for a sip

Sure seems like the obligatory post.

Sure seems like I have not been spending time alone to sit and reflect, or even ponder about anything. All the fleeting thoughts that surface in my mind have merely dissolved into that huge mental mess, with nothing to remind myself of what happened.

Am I being too reliant on technology?

The larger picture - good or bad?

This place is dead. Just like the mind that used to leave it's prints in this little corner.

It's ironic how being part of (working) life naturally excludes one from taking part in what one might see as the essence of living. This definitely isn't a life I'd want to lead, but in a world of efficiency and pragmatism, do such views even matter? Is it more important to add value to the rest of society by being a cog in machinery of the "living" world, even if it results the dismissal of cries from within, urging one to stop and reflect?

It seems like the "living" world comprises of mindless individuals, just like how individuals comprise of mindless cells, each struggling in a system, each with a given role with no room for negotiations, all in an attempt to stay alive for just another day. To be fed, to be homed, to be part of a 'larger good' that one alone can never envision or value.

The only difference between the individual and a cell? A brain.

Then again, cells that try to be funny end up labelled as cancerous, and they get removed from the system.

Multitracks

It's probably the lastest craze, this multitrack recording thing. It's definitely not new, but I guess Sam Tsui's video (that really, spreaded faster than bacteria on a slab of rump on a hot summer day) really got everyone inspired to get something up on any video-hosting site they can find.

You know what, I just lost my entire train of thoughts and inspiration to write because Corporate Law just came to mind. Gah. I hate using that subject as an excuse for everything, but I swear, it really is a pain.

I'll be back when I feel like it again. Brr. Now, back to law and more multitracks to entertain me and keep me from falling asleep.

Expectations.

The biggest problem of all - expectations.

It really isn't all about wants and needs, its about expectations. You can want something badly, or need something really badly. But wait till you experience expecting something and not getting it.

Boy, does it hurt. Especially if the wait has been long.

Time to fix this feeble self. Weak, really weak. Unbecoming of what is expected. How ironic.

Poor Bernanke

There we go.


And my personal favourite.

More than half.

It's way beyond the halfway-mark, and in fact I'm exactly a month away form my first paper. Suprisingly, my academic workload has been the least of my worries so far. Club affairs and other personal stuff have intead been taking up most of my time and energy. Not sure if it's exactly a good thing or not, but I'm hoping for the best. At least I know that I now have an entire month to do what I need for my studies, and hopefully set everything else aside.

Sometimes I just feel as if I'm being misunderstood, yet I find it almost impossible to fully express myself. I could just go 'not that it really matters' or 'heck, to hell with it', but just wouldn't let me off totally. That uneasy tingling just comes again and again. Sigh.

Okay, off to lessons now. Time to look normal again.

Commitment.

Commitment isn't something that you merely talk about or profess - it isn't just a declaration. It is not anything like a promise; it isn't a one-off verbal agreement. It is on-going and comes from within, something you decide upon from the onset of placing yourself in that very position.

Commitment doesn't only require you to make an effort to find time for whatever you are commitment to, it requires you to actively control your emotions, to say and do what is right. It probably even means that even if a promise cannot be fulfilled, there is no reason for to make a fuss out of it. Under certain circumstances, it might call for controlled reactions, or even a suppression of emotions.

When you are committed, you do not claim credit for any efforts made. Commitment requires that you do everything in the best interests of whatever you are committed to, even if it causes discomfort or inconvenience, without trying to claim credit or seek compensation. There is going to be a lot of compromise in such situations, probably more than you might be used to.

Once in awhile, you get tempted to compare how much you have given and how much has been given. When you start to feel uncomfortable when the scales seem to be tipping one way, you (over)compensate by throwing more weight on opposite side, hoping to balance things out. And if that still does not help, you throw 'commitment' into the picture, justifying that imbalance. Remember, do not claim credit or ask for anything in return for your actions.

Sometimes you question yourself, asking if that is what you want, and you sit down, recalling your original decision to make that commitment, to give without question. And you start to feel bad when you want to take, no matter how small a pinch you want. Yet tat voice within you screams at you to reach out and grab a handful of what you can get. You compromise by sticking a hand out, waiting, not grabbing. And when you get nothing, you sit quietly and wait. Why, because it is a commitment. You do not expect anything. You do not take anything unless it is given. You given whenever you can, whatever you can. And what can you give or how much can you give, that depends on your commitment.

Commitment. Could it be nothing more than a big lie told to justify everything that happens. To justify inbalance, to set aside differences. Doesn't seem to make people very much happier when this happens.

MJ Medley.

Thanks to Ruwan for making my night. Perfecto.

Sing, sing a song.

Every once in awhile, you come across someone remarkable. Someone so strong, so determined. And now I look at myself, asking myself how is it that these people can move on in life after what they have been through. And I look at myself again in the mirror, asking myself how weak can I get, stuck at the least devastating or disruptive things in life.



It's remarkable, I tell you, how these people really inspire others. You don't have to be the best at what you do all the time, because thre are always other things that people can look up to and admire you for.

On a slightly different note, here's one of those songs that really irked me if I heard it over the radio. BUT. This has got to be one of my favourites. If only Britney's songs were always done in such a tasteful and splendid manner.