Almost a full year since the last post. It's been a really epic year. So many things happened, it's impossible to list down everything in a post.
Things have changed, mostly for the better.
Some things never change, maybe also for good reasons. Haha.
Things happen for a reason, right?
There is nothing wrong with chasing perfection. But if one often ends up feeling down and lousy in this pursuit, it is perhaps better to ask if more is too much, and perhaps appreciating everything around you might make you a much happier person.
Timetable's out and it seems like I have a good timetable. I could of course go on about how my IDEAL timetable is going to be like but heck, we never get ideal. Better to plan to make the best out of what I have.
8: Taxation
11: Corporate Finance
22: Audit
24: EPM
So, a good 10 days in between to catch up on 2 rather wordy, but bullshit-able subjects. Of course, not to be taken lightly. And yeah, a good 5 weeks to deal with my 2 heavier/ more important subjects. Looking good, I must say.
So, 4 weeks of lesson + 1 week of self-study. As long as I keep focused, things should work out just fine. So far it seems like my mid-sems are still on track (not sure about the EPM assignment, but heck) and I don't think I'm lagging too far behind for content, save for audit (result of not attending lectures).
Okay, planning now, and execution starts tomorrow!
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering" - Paulo Coelho
Falling. Forced to gaze down; flashbacks of before. Pain, regret. And hurt when the self lands. The crash, it shatters everything with only a thud - nary a sound heard above. The booming only on the inside, resonating in the mind.
And once awoken, the gaze shifts upwards, comfort brought knowing there is no lowerr than rock bottom. Perhaps a plausible eternal condemnation, but no pain seems worse. Up, a light. Equally bright even from below - in fact brighter. Ironic, that optimism stems from existing in the physical manifestation of pessimism.
Nothing matters now, except for the realization and acceptance. Reality check. One that allows for optimism. An upward gaze to what was, not a backward glance fueled and filled by regret and hurt.
From where I stand, I stand. Again.
In the slightest hopes that you may one day pass by this place, I offer my sincerest apology. Apologies, rather, for a list: impatience, immaturity, imperfection.
I no longer have the courage to bring this up because I honestly don't know when's the right time. And ultimately, even if I became enlightened, wiser, smarter, less imperfect, it does not mean anything unless everything else falls in place. Perhaps the chances of it working out naturally is slim, but anything I want to do now has to be thought through umpteen times. I admit it's tiring, but I am doing it for a reason.
Maybe not a remotely viable reason, but just a hope. But still something, nonetheless.
If you asked me how I feel, I really don't know how to answer you. Let's put it this way: I'm not sad, but I'm not contented, and because of that I am not happy. Well, it's a subtle difference to it although one might claim the end result's the same.
I'm not giving up yet I'm not sure what to do. Perhaps leaving things as they are will do more good than bad - after all what else can be worse. I guess patience and perseverance will pay off eventually, but pressure just throws everything off course.
It takes time, a lot of time. Whether or not things will work out is still a big unknown, but let's just say I'm willing to try and do what I can so that I can tell myself I did what I could. If it took me that long to find it, I should wait that long for it.
Worthwhile? Yes, every minute, every tear.
I remember once telling a friend about a magical moment - a split second where I felt totally at peace with everything around me; a grin naturally flashed across my face. It was a quiet smile, and I don't think it lasted for more than a second during that car ride home.
Fleeting moment, but even though it has easily been 3 years since I felt it, every bit of it still remains fresh in my memory. Could that be real, genuine happiness? That very moment when the world seemingly stopped, and all that mattered to me was that I was in it. Or maybe there was no reason at all, and I just felt happy because I was happy.
Weird.
Something similar struck seconds ago. Maybe for that tiny moment in my life I was once again at peace. The smile was not as wide, and the warmth definitely less than comparable to what I experienced. Nonetheless, I experienced relief and (without any intention of sounding dramatic) some sort of emancipation - from what, I really don't know. And I guess I don't need to know.
I am glad to announce that I am happy. I am happy not because I need a reason to be happy, but merely because there is no reason to be unhappy. Just happy, no buts.
You know you want to prove your worth, so do it. Stop being a ****ing wuss and stop moping and hanging on to everything like a whiny little boy. Get on with life, deal with your challenges, and solve your issues systematically. You used to be the most rational person you thought you knew, never giving in to emotions. It's time you picked yourself up from this mess and do what is right. You know you need to do well this semester. There is still a chance, but don't beg, don't hope, don't wish, don't wait. Work for it, and in the mean time do everything you need to do so you can get to a position where you can start to fix things. You know things will be different come next year, so you better be here next year to witness this change. Take it in your stride and work towards your goals.
Quit whining and get moving.
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
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I probably have not been the most selfless person. But I guess there are times when you make decisions not for your own good, but for others. You fear that your intentions are misread, yet fighting to prove your intentions only makes it less of a sacrifice, adding to the burden to the other person.
I wish this week never happened.
