Holidays

The holidays are coming to an end. I'll be leaving again in less than a week, and this time it's hitting me pretty hard. I guess it's the whole thing about dreading school and stuff, and also because this holiday isn't exactly long enough. (Then again, which holiday was ever long enough?)

Didn't do too much during this trip back, barely met up with my friends. I guess everyone else is just busy and have their own stuff to deal with. Well I guess it's good too since I get to stay home and rest, and sort of spend time at home with my parents.

I feel pretty bad when I stay at home because I mostly end up hiding in my room, tapping away on my laptop. I mean, there is the occasional television programme to catch, but I still don't feel as if I'm spending time with my mom. Perhaps I can only give myself a pat on the back for tying to have more dinners at home or out with them. And I guess I should try to spend less nights out, not only for my own health, but also because it probably sucks as a parent to have to wait for your child to return home, and usually falling asleep before he does. Sigh, not exactly a nice thing to do.

I really don't know why I dread going back to Melbourne so much. The thought of another stressful semester mixed with the guilt of not spending sufficient time with my family seems to add up to a greater whole. And I guess there are many other smaller factors that are hiding somewhere in my mind. Not just the coming semester, but also the period after this coming semester ends. So much uncertainty, far more to worry about.

I still have to admit that this is a good little break from work. I mean, no thoughts of tutorials or assignments or exams for the entire 4 weeks. Definitely something I needed. But then again, I cannot agree that I have had a wonderful or enjoyable holiday, especially with so much random thoughts going on in my mind everyday. No, it's not a bad thing, but it just meant that I did not have time to sit down and not think about anything and enjoy myself. I'm supposed to be able to enjoy myself in the next break, but that's probably going to (and, ironically, hopefully) be filled with work and internship. Supposedly for the better good and long-term goals.

I just want my time, far away from the worries of life, far away from the thoughts of having to conform to the needs of society and everything else. I don't need to be far away from the buzz of the city, and in fact I'd love to sit down in a cafe and watch the city, but as an observer, a passive bystander who does not have a role to play, or any form of responsibility. There, only the taste of my drink, the air, and what I observe matter, and only on a superficial level.

So where did my holiday go. Nowhere, I suppose. Only that I never quite found it myself.