There is nothing wrong with chasing perfection. But if one often ends up feeling down and lousy in this pursuit, it is perhaps better to ask if more is too much, and perhaps appreciating everything around you might make you a much happier person.
Timetable's out and it seems like I have a good timetable. I could of course go on about how my IDEAL timetable is going to be like but heck, we never get ideal. Better to plan to make the best out of what I have.
8: Taxation
11: Corporate Finance
22: Audit
24: EPM
So, a good 10 days in between to catch up on 2 rather wordy, but bullshit-able subjects. Of course, not to be taken lightly. And yeah, a good 5 weeks to deal with my 2 heavier/ more important subjects. Looking good, I must say.
So, 4 weeks of lesson + 1 week of self-study. As long as I keep focused, things should work out just fine. So far it seems like my mid-sems are still on track (not sure about the EPM assignment, but heck) and I don't think I'm lagging too far behind for content, save for audit (result of not attending lectures).
Okay, planning now, and execution starts tomorrow!
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering" - Paulo Coelho
Falling. Forced to gaze down; flashbacks of before. Pain, regret. And hurt when the self lands. The crash, it shatters everything with only a thud - nary a sound heard above. The booming only on the inside, resonating in the mind.
And once awoken, the gaze shifts upwards, comfort brought knowing there is no lowerr than rock bottom. Perhaps a plausible eternal condemnation, but no pain seems worse. Up, a light. Equally bright even from below - in fact brighter. Ironic, that optimism stems from existing in the physical manifestation of pessimism.
Nothing matters now, except for the realization and acceptance. Reality check. One that allows for optimism. An upward gaze to what was, not a backward glance fueled and filled by regret and hurt.
From where I stand, I stand. Again.
In the slightest hopes that you may one day pass by this place, I offer my sincerest apology. Apologies, rather, for a list: impatience, immaturity, imperfection.
I no longer have the courage to bring this up because I honestly don't know when's the right time. And ultimately, even if I became enlightened, wiser, smarter, less imperfect, it does not mean anything unless everything else falls in place. Perhaps the chances of it working out naturally is slim, but anything I want to do now has to be thought through umpteen times. I admit it's tiring, but I am doing it for a reason.
Maybe not a remotely viable reason, but just a hope. But still something, nonetheless.
If you asked me how I feel, I really don't know how to answer you. Let's put it this way: I'm not sad, but I'm not contented, and because of that I am not happy. Well, it's a subtle difference to it although one might claim the end result's the same.
I'm not giving up yet I'm not sure what to do. Perhaps leaving things as they are will do more good than bad - after all what else can be worse. I guess patience and perseverance will pay off eventually, but pressure just throws everything off course.
It takes time, a lot of time. Whether or not things will work out is still a big unknown, but let's just say I'm willing to try and do what I can so that I can tell myself I did what I could. If it took me that long to find it, I should wait that long for it.
Worthwhile? Yes, every minute, every tear.
I remember once telling a friend about a magical moment - a split second where I felt totally at peace with everything around me; a grin naturally flashed across my face. It was a quiet smile, and I don't think it lasted for more than a second during that car ride home.
Fleeting moment, but even though it has easily been 3 years since I felt it, every bit of it still remains fresh in my memory. Could that be real, genuine happiness? That very moment when the world seemingly stopped, and all that mattered to me was that I was in it. Or maybe there was no reason at all, and I just felt happy because I was happy.
Weird.
Something similar struck seconds ago. Maybe for that tiny moment in my life I was once again at peace. The smile was not as wide, and the warmth definitely less than comparable to what I experienced. Nonetheless, I experienced relief and (without any intention of sounding dramatic) some sort of emancipation - from what, I really don't know. And I guess I don't need to know.
I am glad to announce that I am happy. I am happy not because I need a reason to be happy, but merely because there is no reason to be unhappy. Just happy, no buts.
You know you want to prove your worth, so do it. Stop being a ****ing wuss and stop moping and hanging on to everything like a whiny little boy. Get on with life, deal with your challenges, and solve your issues systematically. You used to be the most rational person you thought you knew, never giving in to emotions. It's time you picked yourself up from this mess and do what is right. You know you need to do well this semester. There is still a chance, but don't beg, don't hope, don't wish, don't wait. Work for it, and in the mean time do everything you need to do so you can get to a position where you can start to fix things. You know things will be different come next year, so you better be here next year to witness this change. Take it in your stride and work towards your goals.
Quit whining and get moving.
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
------------------------------------------------
I probably have not been the most selfless person. But I guess there are times when you make decisions not for your own good, but for others. You fear that your intentions are misread, yet fighting to prove your intentions only makes it less of a sacrifice, adding to the burden to the other person.
I wish this week never happened.
A wish, for something that I never believed in before. Came true, or so it seemed. Fleeting, flickering, yet sometimes so real. In flesh, something so intangible, something we all desire. But the pains, the tears. Worthwhile? Maybe, for the laughter, the smiles, the memories. Yet, the threat of it all - memories - turning bad, equally real, equally potent.
I don't regret, and I never will. So long as I know that deep inside, this crossing, this encounter, was real.
And I felt real.
You probably don't read this anymore.
Things are different now, yet I sometimes have to act like it's all okay. Perhaps it is - at least I've been trying to convince myself - and everything is just another manifestation of the selfishness and insecurity from within.
But this silence kills me. Not knowing how things will be like, throwing myself to the currents of 'fate', not having a grasp of anything at all. And the reaction I am told to take on, I greatly fear, is a resignation to fate that you often subscribe to - perhaps nurtured (ironically) by the circumstances over the entire existence of this unspoken bond. Perhaps I molded it as such - a painful shot in my toe, that I sometimes wish where my head.
It still exists, like the earth I stand on, but now just a surface. The value in it gone, eroded by the winds of time, exposing dryness, barrenness, and unfortunately lifelessness - even a strong jolt can do nothing.
Yet at the end, I stand here on this land, with nowhere to turn to, confident that there is no greener anywhere, if any green at all. This was perhaps my last ever chance - maybe fate, again, has brought me here. If it were a test, let it end. If it were a prank, end it.
I know I can find no better, and only because of that I fear losing.
So, another semester over, spent my first full winter here.
Nothing much to say, but everything's fine. Better than before, no complaints.
New project in my mind that may lead to a whole new direction in my life. See how things go.
There is so much on my mind that I cannot really pin-point. It is almost as if the interactions between the thoughts exist somehow, but if I ever attempted to disaggregate those thoughts, or to tried to pull out one thing on my mind to write about it, the thoughts simply vanish, leaving a dull spot in my head. I kid you not, and I am dead sure I am not under the influence of any narcotics or alcohol.
Weird.
I just need to learn to trash these thoughts and get on with work. I will probably apologize to myself for giving in to meritocracy and the generally-accepted societal needs, at the expense of my inner well-being and mental-wellness.
Reflection comes at a hefty price when you have so much to do.
Maybe once this week is over I can sit down and answer my own questions. Chances are, no. Not in the semester, not in the next semester, not in the next year, not in my working life.
Let's just put that on hold for now.
There exists a natural tendency for me to return here once every month or so to leave a note here. Honestly, I do not seem to actively recall that I have a neglected blog, but it comes naturally when I need an outlet to vent my frustrations.
Anyways, on with the post.
I used to enjoy walking up to windows on rainy days, staring out of my apartment, watching the rain fall, watching the world go by. Somehow it brought about this really warm, tingling sensation that I can, even up till now, vividly remember. It would seem like a silent appreciation for freedom, which is arguably very unexpected of a young boy aged 10.
I miss that feeling, that warm, tingling sensation. And even now, as I stare out of my window, I see nothing in front of me, only flashbacks of the younger me standing by the window, hugging my bolster, telling myself how happy I was. Happiness is now something I fight for to shove down my throat. It has really been a really long time since I could smile quietly to myself and say a word of thanks for everything. It doesn't seem to come naturally anymore.
All I have now are memories of happiness.
There is someone singing outside. Sounds more like a dirge. What a morbid welcome back to Melbourne.
So here it is, third year. Final or possibly penultimate year. I'm really hoping that I can stay another year here to further my education, but it will depend on my determination, brains, and also that of the other thousand-odd people out there, some of whom are definitely smarter, and others way hungrier, and some both.
Pretty daunting, but I guess it's all part of my perception of things. I guess as long as I am able to achieve my own work-play balance (ironic how this balance ought to be really unequal), and able to pace myself and keep myself going, everything will be fine. Now I kind of know how it feels like to be threading water with your nose barely above the surface. Pretty tiring but you still got to keep at it.
I'll keep optimistic. I'll stay focused. But I won't sacrifice my life totally.
Play, here I come.
Sure seems like the obligatory post.
Sure seems like I have not been spending time alone to sit and reflect, or even ponder about anything. All the fleeting thoughts that surface in my mind have merely dissolved into that huge mental mess, with nothing to remind myself of what happened.
Am I being too reliant on technology?
This place is dead. Just like the mind that used to leave it's prints in this little corner.
It's ironic how being part of (working) life naturally excludes one from taking part in what one might see as the essence of living. This definitely isn't a life I'd want to lead, but in a world of efficiency and pragmatism, do such views even matter? Is it more important to add value to the rest of society by being a cog in machinery of the "living" world, even if it results the dismissal of cries from within, urging one to stop and reflect?
It seems like the "living" world comprises of mindless individuals, just like how individuals comprise of mindless cells, each struggling in a system, each with a given role with no room for negotiations, all in an attempt to stay alive for just another day. To be fed, to be homed, to be part of a 'larger good' that one alone can never envision or value.
The only difference between the individual and a cell? A brain.
Then again, cells that try to be funny end up labelled as cancerous, and they get removed from the system.
