Mere existence.

There is this feeling in me I dread, that I might not be as comfortable here as I thought I was. It is as if I feel a barrier of sorts, not the physical ceiling I stare at every night, but a weird distance I cannot put my finger to.

There is a vast difference between living in the same house and existing under the same roof, and that difference can be what makes a home a home, rather than an occupied house. It is the source of happiness (and unhappiness if lacking) to it's occupants, and that happiness brings with it great comfort and warmth in the house.

I have said too many times how 'harmony' and 'tolerance' are two totally different things, and I am now experiencing (at least I think I am) that difference at first hand. I have been pondering over this for some time already, almost half a month, but I still cannot find the key to that irrtating barrier. No, it is not absolute, and it does not hinder my life in anyway (yet), but I believe that this can only bring no good in the distant future.

My only guess now is that language does makes a difference. It is not that I am unable to use another mode of communication, and neither is it that the others cannot do so in return - in fact, I am confident everyone involved can communicate efficiently in both forms, but I guess we somehow feel uneasy doing so. Ironically, I used to do so when I was 'at work', and perhaps that side of me was meant to be left in places as undesirable as those, not to be brought into my life at home. Unfortunately, it seems that the circumstances have changed, and I might need to adopt that same 'working style' of communication, albeit with some minor adjustments to the actual words used to be slightly more family-oriented/friendly.

Worst case scenario? If it really does not work out, then I guess it just shows that we have all changed pretty much since we last knew each other, and maybe some distance would be natural. And if it means that I am to leave, then so be it. I don't feel bitter or anything at all, but if things really aren't improving, I do not see a point in any of this. Not at all. For now, we'll see how it goes. I just hope I have been a little too sensitive at times, and that I misread some of the intentions.

I hope I am right about the last bit.